Throwback Thursday: Wannabe Cabbage Patch Dolls

As I was looking for TBT photos to post I came across this lovely gem:

creepydollsBack in the 80’s, Cabbage Patch dolls were all the rage. They were so expensive, though! I guess they equate to how popular American Girl dolls are now. So my mom, being a DIY lady, decided that she’d try to make us “Cabbage Patch” dolls.

She bought a doll pattern, yarn, batting and some iron-on eyes. But then it went all sorts of wrong when she couldn’t find the right color “skin” material and only found a putty-white stretchy polyester. Because the material was stretchy, when you stuffed the arms and legs (and everything) it became longer… and longer…until…

It was the size of me and my sister. 

Yes, folks, these were (unintentionally) LIFE-SIZED “Cabbage Patch” dolls. Notice the dresses on them? MY CLOTHES.

She eventually gave up on finishing them. My sister’s had a mouth — mine didn’t. My doll had a nose — her’s didn’t. “Fingers” were hand-sewn into my sister’s doll. My mom didn’t do anything with my doll’s appendages. I almost cried when I saw mine, but stopped myself after seeing how much effort was put into these dolls.

They were creepy. One time I woke up in the middle of the night and was taken aback after seeing my doll seemingly glowing as it lay on the floor. The moonlight had reflected off the polyester and scared the $h*! out of me. I quickly grabbed it, threw her in the closet, shut the door and hid under my blanket.

I don’t think we named our dolls. ‘Cause that would be… you know… weird. 

As scary as they were at night, we did our best to play with them during the day (mom made it, might as well make her happy). We’d take it out back in the dirt and act like they were our Siamese twin by shoving them in our shirt with the head sticking out. (That’s normal kid stuff, right?) We’d also make them sit together and have conversations. Which kind of looked like real people… strangely enough. 

I’m not sure where those dolls are now. My parents don’t throw away much. So I wouldn’t be surprised if it were contorted in a black trash bag somewhere.

Well, at least my mom tried. I don’t know if she saved money by making these and not buying us Cabbage Patch dolls. I sure as heck know that for as long as we played with them, she probably got her money’s worth.